A widow’s money: Don’t become everyone’s wallet or purse.
One of the most unfortunate financial consequences of widowhood is certain people will get the perception you now have extra money. They might think you have a lot of it (even if you don’t) and therefore think you are now a source of funds for their needs or wants. As a widow, you may be targeted to become someone else’s purse or wallet.
People often assume a widow has been left with money. Visions of life insurance policies, the deceased spouse’s pension or retirement assets, or the sale of a business or farm, all create the notion that a widow has more money than she’ll ever need.
I’ve seen this happen in wealthy families and I’ve seen it happen when it was abundantly clear the widow did not have much at all. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to matter whether a widow is well off or not. Nor does it seem to matter what the age of the widow is. Young or old, widows have the risk of becoming a purse or wallet for another person.
Of course there are the unscrupulous sorts who peruse the obituaries and target widows with sales calls. They know a certain percentage of widows will be an easy sale. This can include home repair contractors, alarm system sales people and others. News reports regularly identify cases of people and in particular widows who’ve been scammed by these con-artists.
There are others who may be well meaning in their intentions, but also have their sights set on making money off of you. The financial advisor who insists you immediately make significant changes to your investment portfolio under the guise of being more conservative is an example. The advisor may be generally correct in their proposal. However, they may also be interested in making the proposed alterations in order to generate considerable fees or commissions when it is possible to achieve the same adjustments without incurring high costs.
Similarly, making significant modifications following the death of your spouse in the areas of insurance coverage (health, life, home, auto, etc.) are ill advised. Changes may be warranted, but should be done methodically and only if the benefits truly outweigh any increased costs.
Potential suitors are another group of people who’ve been known to play on a widow’s heart to gain access to their wallet. With online dating becoming popular among people of all ages, it’s even easier to string someone along romantically via email or texting and then eventually ask for financial help. The request typically comes with a story of financial woe, followed by an urgent appeal to transfer money or mail a cheque to help the love interest out. Regrettably, there are widows who have drained retirement accounts and other substantial resources before realizing they’ve been swindled.
Perhaps the most common occurrence is being approached by your own family.
“Mom can help us out with a down payment.”
“Grandma will pay for my education.”
“She’ll never spend all the money in her lifetime. We might as well ask for help now.”
While there can be merit to helping your children financially in the present, rather than passing the money on to them after you’re gone, there’s also plenty of times where adult kids are simply just taking advantage of the widowed parent.
Be very careful about lending money, or even giving money as a gift to your children, especially in the first year of widowhood. It’s not unusual for a recent widow to feel like they have an abundance of money, regardless of whether or not they do. The absence of their partner in life makes it feel like the financial resources they shared are now more than enough for one person to live on. The sadness of the loss, can also make a widow feel like money is no longer of value to them. They may willingly give it all away because their heart is hurting from their loss.
Family can also, with no ill intentions, put pressure on you to make decisions too soon that can prove costly or unnecessary. Kids coaxing you to do a major renovation to your house (to give yourself the kitchen you always wanted) or even sell the house (to move closer to family) could be doing so for admirable reasons. But, those reasons might be more about making your kids feel better and not necessarily be about what’s best for you.
The solution to all of this goes back to a common thread in my posts — hold off on making any major decisions for at least six months and possibly even a year after the loss of your spouse. If you find yourself being pressured by family or others for money, don’t be afraid to say no. At the very least, practice saying “Not now. See me in six months.” to buy yourself time to think things over more fully and in a less emotional/vulnerable state.
I appreciate how requests from family can come across as reasonable and important, and in reality some are. This is the reason why I recommend getting a non-family member to be your “financial buddy” during the first year of widowhood. Having an objective, third party who can provide you advice when you’re unclear about what to do, will prove to be invaluable. For more on how to choose a “buddy” see my previous post on the subject.
Keep checking back for more information along this subject line. I will be writing guidelines for lending money to adult children in the future. As always, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please leave a comment in the section below this post. And if you’re finding this blog helpful, please forward a link to these pages to anyone you know who would also benefit.
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